who do i marry???

I remember asking a girl out once. She was my friend. Let me give a quick background, in Nigeria, we don’t date. We enter relationships with the expectation that it will surely end in marriage. It doesn’t matter that, that is not always the case, but the mindset is still generally unchanged. There are few and very few who are practicing dating in Nigeria. The concept of dating is still foreign to us and not yet properly understood but it is catching on gradually.

Now among my Christian brothers and sisters back then, it was more serious as we all were seeking for the will of God. Will of God meaning, future spouse. When you hear will of God then, it had only one meaning. That is gradually changing now. So, most of everyone will be seeking the will of God for their life therefore no room for dating. It has to be it! Therefore all such relationships are serious from the get go in fact; the tag fiancée surfaces almost immediately.

Back to my story, here I was seeking my will of God and sensing that this here girl is it! I make my proposal and she says NO. Taken aback, I asked why and she goes ‘because we are friends’. Those were her very words, because we are friends… I had to ask her if she intended to marry her enemy. Now that is my confusion, she is not the only one that has made that same comment as this same view has been replayed in conversations with other ladies – note the word used is conversation and not proposal so don’t think I have a habit of asking girls out just for the  pleasure. These ladies just go, NO! It won’t work between us, he is my friend, he knows so much about me, we are better off as just friends, I don’t have any feelings for him, and the best, he is like a brother… sound familiar???

Now to my main point, these same girls now complain that there are no guys out there that meet the mark, their mark, HELLO!!! What’s going on here??? Does this sound familiar?

My friend wrote on his blog about the relationship situation issue in the UK and the attitude of the men in the UK and he asked me to do something from the Nigeria angle – Check his blog at ugopaulnjoku.tumblr.com. I read it and couldn’t help noticing that it’s the same story here in Nigeria but with a slight twist – the issue runs both ways. Guys complain bitterly that there are fewer and fewer wife materials out there. Ladies go, all men are the same, they only have one thing on their mind – don’t ask me what! And here’s the fun part, these complainants both male and female I have as friends as in buddies. Some are even part of my inner caucus. It pains me, but I am more confused than pained because I wonder, if one must marry – me, I must o – why is it so stressful to find someone to settle down with? I have a string of guys, and gals, in their 30s, unmarried and still searching and we are all friends, in the same circle. Why can’t they just see themselves? And like I started above, the ladies will go; he is my friend so we can’t go out while the guys will go, she is not serious, or she is too clingy or the worst she is only good to warm the bed but not take home to mama and all sorts. Me, I never had such issues. My quest was to find me and in the process find her. I had always lived by the saying that marriage is not about finding the right person but about being the right person therefore, my focus had always been being the right person; working on myself to attain the proper mindset, mentality and outlook, and to work on my character and all and at this point I must NOTE emphatically that GOD is the MOST important part of this process.  And after all, the law of attraction implies that, ‘you attract who you are” so it is first all about you. We are unique and our uniqueness has a role to play in our choice of a spouse among other equally crucial decisions. We need to understand our uniqueness to accept another’s uniqueness. It appears complicated but it is simple… it starts from the heart, your heart gat to be right and your mind will follow plus your body too. That is why GOD is MOST, if you let Him, He works you inside out. Do let him, please…

People! this article, is a big question mark? I am not writing as one who has all the answers, no but as one who is somewhat confused at this, (I don’t even know what to name it situation) and hopes that some of you that read this will have something to say. Let me keep ruminating over the issue, in fact, let us do this together. Who knows, we may together come up with solutions that work and bring happiness to the lives of those who desire to get married.

Like my Naija people will say, “Shine ya eyes well, well!” is it that hard??? Let me put a pause to it, see if I get a couple of responses and go on from there.